007 Quantum of Solace - Epic Fail, Shaken not Stirred
by PwnShoppe Contributor - kiljadn
A nice October Saturday afternoon – a trip to my local GameStop to preorder some games – ensuing weeks of high anticipation. FIFA 09, Fallout 3, 007: Quantum of Solace? What could go wrong?
Here’s a hint: which doesn’t fit the alliterative structure?A Bond game? How do you fuck that up? Especially when all of the pieces were in place?
Call of Duty 4 engine – check.
Daniel Craig as James Bond, beating the shit out of people - check.
Blowing shit up – check.
Shooting the shit out of shit… well, you get the point.
Let me clarify: The problem is not the concept of the game. The concept is enough to make anyone with a Y chromosome excited. The problem is the woeful execution. The execution that’s on par with having an extra Y chromosome.
Did Trig Palin program this shit? Tact? Yeah, I don’t have any. Fuck you. This game sucks.
I should’ve known it, from the first moment I saw 007’s Aston Martin gliding over the gravel at Mr. White’s lakeside chateau in the cutscene at the start of the single player campaign. Yes, gliding. Keep in mind that this is the CoD4 engine. Let’s think back to the intro of that game. Did we see any fucking GLIDING there when we were following the lead car to our inevitable execution? NO.
Cutscenes are your one chance as a game developer to get everything right. Even if the engine won’t crank out what you want to do, your cutscenes should be fucking flawless. There are too many high quality artists and animators out there and too many instances of getting it right for shit like this to ever pass muster. But I digress – I’ll give anything a second chance. That’s my major flaw. Perhaps, I thought to myself, multiplayer would redeem my purchase. CoD4 is one of the best multiplayer games ever. Treyarch couldn’t possibly have fucked this up, right? I mean, this game is the spiritual successor to Goldeneye on the Nintendo64 – the game that was arguably the rubrick for the console First Person Shooter game genre. Call of Duty 4 with different skins on the character models, some new textures for the weapons and the maps, you know. Not much needed here.
Too bad they fucked that up, too.
I signed on to XBL, jumped into a game, and was greeted with a paltry 3 guns to choose from. I’m thinking “Ok, so I have to earn the good ones, fine…. Wait, there’s no other guns? Are you fucking serious? Ok, fine, I’ll take the sub-auto machine gun and hope for the best.”God awful. I’ve yet to play a game this fucking slow on multiplayer. There’s no excuse for it, either, given the lineage. Is it too much to ask a game developer to push the engine as hard as the original game it was published in? I don’t think so, do you? If I wanted to play a slow FPS game, I’d crank up a virtual machine on my computer and install the original Wolfenstein 3D. I just plopped down $60 for this shit, so you’d better show me fucking SOMETHING. After my first round was over, one of the players in the room said “ok, you guys can keep playing, I’m gonna pack a bowl.” I’d imagine he thought he was Neo in the fucking Matrix the next round. I couldn’t stick around, though. I had to get that awful shit out of my ‘box as quickly as possible. God help all the people who buy CoD5. If this is the level of piss-poor shit we can expect from Treyarch, quite a few people are going to be severely disappointed.
That’s Some Ugly Box Art.
wow. this is just horrible. i am really late picking up this story, but the guys over at Silent Hill Homecoming have posted the cover art for the new SH game and it is HORRIBLE. The typography contrasts so harshly against the bland, portrait art that it appears almost cartoonish and the eeriness of the game looks gone (based on the cover alone). I hope this isnt a sign of things to come from the game, although video of the gameplay seems promising and the trailer looks great. more creepy wheelchairs and melting walls!!
Fail.
this is some awkward corporate shit.
the marketing woman makes me cringe. im so embarrassed for her.
Too Human is Too Meh…and fuck the LB button! (FTLBB!)
i cannot imagine what it must feel like to work on something for so many years only to have some 14 year-old kid hate it in less than 5 minutes, but i am guessing that the guys over at Silicon Knights might be feeling that pretty soon. im not 14. in fact, im more than twice that, but Too Human makes me wish I died 25 years ago when this game was conceived.
After playing the demo, i was pissed off in before even beginning my first fight. sure there is some ramp up time for any game…that’s part of the fun, but jesus fucking fuck!! this game can suck it and it makes me want to beat puppies. it feels like i am surrounded by an incredible, rich 3d universe, yet i am confined to controlling my character using only the left thumbstick. normally, both thumbsticks are involved when navigating through these spaces, but not in this place. it is truly hell. the right thumbstick is reserved for swinging my stupid weapon. i have read that it is similar to god of war. NOT EVEN FUCKING CLOSE. god of war is fluid and effortless. too human feels like i am controlling a retarded kid. no offense, but, well, yes…offense…it feels completely fucked up. after all of this pain, the camera desperately needs to be fixed. it gets lost in the scene every other second (because it is not adjusted with the right thumbstick) and i am forced to press LB over and over again. are you kidding me? i guess this lack of 3-dimensional navigation is the artifact of having been conceived in an 8-bit gaming world 25 years ago? TURD! After all of these years, it seems to me that the guys at Silicon Knights would have thought that maybe, just maybe, pressing the LB button every other second to center the camera would be the most annoying thing ever.
now get this…the game looks ok…not the best, but pretty nice. the UI elements (with the exception of the main in-game ui graphics), however, look juvenile and amateurish (like a bad tribal tattoo). the line weights in the menus are much too heavy for the text and there does not seem to be much attention paid to typography, layout and leading. the lines feel crushed together in some menus and uneven and misaligned in others. it’s just sloppy. it also FEELS sloppy. i am so disappointed. there should be no excuse for this type of layout. the skill tree could have looked so much cooler! it’s so boring!!!
Climbing the Skill Tree
the skill tree information diagrams and ui elements look really bad. they are not designed well enough and everything looks like it is the same weight. it reminded me of the kid in design school who googles a 50-cent album cover, places it in photoshop, adds a lens flare and some shitty diamond gradients, saves it as a jpg and submits it as his own work. it looks like it has been half-assed and not given the necessary attention to detail that it deserves. this is sad because it could have been brilliant. there is no inspiration(or love) in these graphics. it is so apparent. it is caught in the awkward middle ground between “the worst most unforgivable cameron diaz feet ever” and “fucking steven hawking is walking genius” it is simply not beautiful enough. certainly not for the hype this game is getting.
the story might be great, but it will never be fully appreciated unless these items are addressed. the gameplay is frustrating and cannot even be overlooked by mindblowing graphics and controls because those are meh and suckfest, in that order. LB can suck it for camera centering. it is the most frustrating shit ever.
and on top of this all, i hate when people say “orientated!” UGHHHHHGHGHHHGHGHH! i just want to punch shit now.
it’s not all that bad, though.
here is a list of things that are worse than the too human ui:
3. that lady on So You Think You Can Dance. i dont watch this shit but my ex did and FUCK THAT. it’s like waterboarding. i cannot explain this womans mouth. its all tight and shit and freaks me out…this whole show freaks me out. too many dido songs and testicular shadows for me.
2. that shit on mccain’s face. i dont mean to get all psychological an’ shit on you, but people subconsciously dont want to vote for people with shit on their face. i wouldn’t be surprised if he is like a squirrel, but instead of nuts for the winter, he is storing the mother fucking rapture up in that shit. it’s all full of pus, war, nuclear bombs, baby-killing coathangers, jesus, prescription meds and fucking dicked-up economic and foreign policies. im just sayin’.
1. The Future. wow. i really went there. it’s true, though. we are going into a depression soon. it’s not entirely because of the too human ui, but it contributes. life is just a big fail these days. war, global warming, recession, depression, unemployment, bad foreign relations, earmarked bills for bribes, gas prices, did i mention WAR? its not looking good for our world and we are to blame. it fucking sucks. it just fucking sucks.
in conclusion, the too human ui is a little better than our future.
fin.
prettttty UI.
i saw this today and had to post it. this ui looks great!! i cannot wait to test it out.
the content seems to open up and spread out like a deck of cards, which isn’t how i imagined it in the still shots. it’s still very cool.
it appears that you will use the thumbsticks to navigate down into the sections, select with A and then left and right into the submenus. i am assuming once you are in the submenus, you can navigate around the selected area to highlight xBuddies (that’s what i am calling them because “avatar” sucks and is so old school!) and other things like that. i am sitting here holding my controller trying to envision what this will be like while im watching the video and that seems to make the most sense to me.
ok, i found this video, too..
after thinking about the beautiful visuals of this UI, i am curious about a few things:
- how will users be able to navigate TONS of content? will the visual nav be available as a list?
- what will chat look and feel like? what about long friends lists?
i found this and it shows what it will look like to share pics. meh. big whoop.
i imagine this will be widely used for porn. after all, who wouldn’t like a good pic of some tittyballs between violent rounds of gears 2? well, i’ll tell you who would!
THIS GUY!
The New Xbox Live UI Announced at E3!
If I could ever work for Microsoft on the Xbox UI, I would be a very very happy designer. The new Xbox Live UI, was announced at E3 today and will be released this fall. It looks like it is going to be a beauty! If they manage to keep the minimal, clean design of these screens, this UI might be a standout for the year.
I am DYING to click through it and check the flows. Will I use the thumbsticks? Triggers? How will the Main Menus connect to the Subs? How will I drill down into more complex sections? Will there even be more complex sections? What will chat look like?
It looks very friendly, more mature than the Mii’s and simpler than Home. They are taking some chances and moving away from the standard flat blades and going for something more ballsy. This is a great move and has me very curious. This might be the first time that I have ever been sincerely excited about an upcoming Microsoft UI.
The Countdown to Scared Shitless Begins! (*update* and ends with an average rating of 4.5 = RENTAL)
so why havent i written anything about GTAIV? meh. its great and all, but im pretty stoked about Alone in the Dark next week (June 24)! yeah yeah, i could write about how pissed i get in GTA when im trying to join a multiplayer match only to get booted or whatever and have to wait while the fucker kicks me back into single player mode and then i have to repeat the process. fuck that!
id rather make fun of the lame uwe boll hollywood SUPER TURD movie. i didnt even want to see it!! anyone wanna bet the gears of war movie will suck this bad?
How about some other things that are best left for the dark?
1. Sarah Jessica Parker - nuff said. (sorry i had to use this picture of Stevie Nicks’ voice)
2. Cameron Diaz’s Feet - seriously, sand that shit down and make it smooth, yo. those things be like talons.
3. Tila Tequila - I would show a pic of her, but I can’t find one where her plastic tittyballs aren’t the focal point. Also, looking at pics of her can give you the herp. google her with safe search results turned off. i fucking dare you.
4. those guys from the alltel commercials - im including this one for you, ladies! come and get your love? seriously, i think even i beat these guys up in school. im pretty sure chad drove a red camaro. im also pretty sure that t-mobile and cingular have established a domestic partnership (not merger).
*update* - i was so excited about this game and completely shocked and saddened by the horrible reviews it received from numerous places on day 1…after watching some footage of the clunkiness, it started to sound less like terror and more like frustration…and not good frustration…more like the type from Assassin’s Creed retrieving those annoying flags. ugh. after waiting for years for the game, i moved it to the Rent List. I decided to go buy Guitar Hero for the DS instead.
Halo 3 Theatre Mode Screenshots Part 2!
You asked for ‘em…and no, these aren’t photoshopped or retouched.
Thanks for all the nice words and great links.
Hey, if you post my pics, just give me some credit! That’s all I ask.